London and the end of Africa

We are once again back in the departure lounge looking forward to another 11 hours jammed in an aeroplane, this time on our way to Rio. London has been great although I am sure Rosie and Lance will be happy to have their house back again and some peace and quiet for a while. In 5 days here we managed to squeeze in quite a lot, several days in downtown London, a day in the country, a parade at Windsor Castle yesterday, the Lion King Show in the west end, about 50 beers and too many bottles of wine…..

The Lion King was amazing. No other word for it. Being a good colonial bumpkin I’ve never seen a big stage production and it blew me away. I had no idea it was possible to do something so complex on stage. Awesome! Quite an impressive parade at Windsor Castle yesterday too – a dress rehearsal for the Prime Minister of India’s visit in a few days time. Lot of cavalry, troops, marching bands, coppers, horse poo and elderly people looking confused. Entertaining to watch the young troops on parade fainting after an hour or so of not moving. Was a bit worried as they all had bayonets fixed and I thought someone was going to get skewered if they fell the wrong way.

It would have been nice to have a bit longer here as there are still quite a few things we didn’t get the chance to check out, but we’ll be back I’m sure.

Having now survived our three months in Africa I feel qualified to offer some travel advice to other would be explorers of the Dark Continent and answer some commonly asked questions.
Q: How much luggage can I take?
A: If you can lift it you can take it. Even if you can’t lift it, you can pay someone who can. Unless you routinely travel with a 20kg bag of maize, 4 chickens, a goat, a large mattress and a broken television you’ll be fine. Any more than that and you will struggle to fit it all on one seat with you.

Q: Are there any specific road rules I should be aware of in Africa?
A: There is only actually one road rule in Africa, and that is that the other vehicle always gives way. Just remember that you have right of way at all times. This applies no matter what and supersedes all other road rules such as traffic lights, roundabouts, lane markings or other signage. This rule applies equally to all vehicles. Should another driver forget that you have right of way, he can be reminded by vigorously flashing you lights and repeatedly sounding your horn to let him know that he should get out of the way. Importantly, new drivers must also understand that regardless of lane markings there are always five lanes on every road. The outer lane in each direction is reserved for slow moving vehicles (donkey carts, tractors, pushbikes carrying coffins, exceptionally decrepit vehicles etc). Inside this there is a second lane in each direction used by normal vehicles and trucks busses (and faster donkey carts). In the centre of the road is a single lane available for use by exceptionally fast and impatient traffic going in either direction. Should you encounter a vehicle coming the other way in the centre lane, remember rule 1. Driving in the centre lane is most successful if you have a manic look in your eye, an old and smashed up vehicle which proves just how far you will go to enforce your right of way and a horn that plays a loud and annoying tune.

Q: How should I pack my livestock before boarding a bus?
A: It is generally considered impolite to allow your animals to run around the cabin of the bus so they should be at least partially restrained. Chickens can be placed in the overhead lockers, or under the seat in font of you. Goats are generally better checked in as they don’t fit so well in the overhead locker.

Q: Is this where we saw those lions yesterday sitting on all those rocks?
A: No, because there are no rocks here.

Q: Why are that elephant’s legs a different colour?
A: They are wet.

Q: Why is that zebra reddish looking?
A: It is dirty.

Q: Is that a zebra?
A: If it has horns and no stripes, probably not.

Q: Will we see a tiger?
A: Unlikely.

Anyway, I hope that is helpful. I need to go and check in my goat for the flight to Rio now, so that’s all we have time for today.